A teacher asked one of her pupils, "Can you name our nation's capital?"

The reply was, "Washington DC"

When asked what the "DC" stood for, the pupil added, "Dot com!"
A man got a job as a night watchman at a factory. There had been a lot of thefts by the workers on the night shift, and so every morning when the night shift workers passed through
his gate it was his job to check their bags and pockets to make sure that nothing was being stolen.
Things were going along very well the first night on the job until a man pushing a wheelbarrow of newspapers came through his gate. Aha, he thought, that man thinks he can cover up
what he is stealing with that newspaper. So he removed the paper only to find nothing. Still he felt that the man was acting strangely, so he questioned him about the paper.
"I get a little extra money from newspapers I recycle, so I go into the lunchroom and pick up all the ones people have thrown away."
The guard let him pass, but decided to keep a close eye on him.
The next night it was the same, and the night after that. Week
after week it went on. The same guy would push the wheelbarrow
of newspapers past the guard's checkpoint. The guard would always
check and find nothing. Then one night, about a year later, the
guard reported for work only to find a message had been left for him telling him to report to his supervisor.
He walked into the supervisor's office and before he could say a word, the boss said, "You're fired!"
"Fired?" he asked in total surprise. "Why? What did I do?"
"It was your job to make sure that no one stole anything from this plant and you have failed. So you're fired."
"Wait a minute, what do you mean failed. Nobody ever stole anything from this place while I was on guard."
"Oh, really," the boss answered. "Then how do you account for the fact that there are 365 missing wheelbarrows?"

A couple of Muscovites were talking. " What would you do if the Soviet Union government opened the border so that anyone could leave ? " asked the first.

" What for ? "

A restaraunt customer found the taste of the eggs very bad. He called the waiter and said angrily "Taste of these eggs ...... ! These are terrible !" Waiter : Dont blaim me sir, i only laid the table not the eggs.


Sherlock Holmes and Dr.  Watson went on a camping trip.
After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.  "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. 
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. 
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

Why, what does it tell YOU?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."

After a bit too much partying at a Catskill resort, Arnold went down to the lake, saw a row boat and said to himself , I think I'll go to Montreal.

Still rowing, Arnold mumbled, " I wonder who knows me in Montreal ? "

A farmer sent his nephew a crate of chickens, but the box burst open just as the boy started to take them out.The next day he wrote his uncle : " I chased them through my neighbourhood's yard but only got back eleven. "

Employee : " The stress my boss puts me under is killing me. I have migraines, my blood pressure is extremely high, I can't sleep at night. I just found out that i have an ulcer, and as long as i stay in this job, the only question is whether i'll have a stroke or a heart-attack ."

Employee : I have a great health plan.


Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton and Bill Gates were invited to have dinner with God. During dinner He told the three mortals:
"I invited you here because I need three important people to send my message out to all people - Tomorrow I will destroy the earth"
After dinner, Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and told them:
"I have two very bad news items for you:
i. God really exists, and
ii. Tomorrow He will destroy the earth."
Clinton called an Emergency meeting of the Senate and Congress and told them: "I have Good news and Bad News:
i. The good news is: God really does exist.
ii. The bad news is: tomorrow He's destroying the earth."
Bill Gates went back to Microsoft and happily announced: "I have two fantastic announcements:
i. I am one of the three most important people on earth.
ii. The Year 2000 problem is solved."


Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers.

"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.

When they board the train, the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers
cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."



" I dont know what to do " a man told a therapist. " My wife thinks she's a piano. "

" Are you nuts ? " exclaimed the husband. " Do you know what it costs to move a piano "


A man frantically searched his pockets for a wallet containing a thousand dollars.
" Did you look in your pants pockets ? " asked his wife, trying to remain calm.

" How about your jackets pockets ? "

" WHY NOT ? "

Answered the cub, " Cause , i'm freezing ! "




A boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked," What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an older lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled
between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch
until it reached the last number and then as these numbers began to light in reverse order.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful young woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your Mother."

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.
The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes." "Why?" asked the nervous pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."
After a long pause, the "pilot" replied: "You mean, you're not my instructor?"



Two friends, one an Optimist and the other a Pessimist could never quite agree on any topic of discussion.
One day the Optimist decided he had found a good way to pull his Pessimistic friend out of his way of continual Pessimistic way of thinking. The Optimist owned a huntin' dog that could walk on water. His plan? Take the Pessimist and the dog out in a boat duck hunting. This he did.
They got out into the middle of the lake, and the Optimist shot down a duck...the dog immediately walked out across the water, retrieved the duck, and walked back to the boat. The Optimist looked at his Pessimistic friend and said, "What do you think about that?"
The Pessimist replied, "That dog can't swim, can he?"

A couple came upon a wishing well.  The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled "It really works!"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"
A small voice, Leroy's, at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher . . . she's dead."

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